


no one's knocked upon my door

by cobblestaubrey



Series: c'est la vie [3]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race (US) RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, F/F, Mental Health Issues, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:01:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27221644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cobblestaubrey/pseuds/cobblestaubrey
Summary: "She’s been ignoring Crystal’s texts.Nicky never texts her first, so at least she didn’t have to worry about ignoring those texts, too."Rock feels so lonely, but at least she has someone in her back pocket, right?
Relationships: Jackie Cox/Jan Sport, Nicky Doll / Rock M Sakura (one sided), Nicky Doll/Crystal Methyd
Series: c'est la vie [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1979863
Comments: 10
Kudos: 14





	no one's knocked upon my door

**Author's Note:**

> This is an uncomfortable story. I'm not sure why I wrote it like this, but I think this is something that needs to be touched upon, I guess? I don't know! Just, be wary, there's some mention of mental health issues and obsession, sort of.
> 
> The title is from "So Lonely" by The Police.

She’s been ignoring Crystal’s texts.

Nicky never texts her first, so at least she doesn’t have to worry about ignoring those texts, too.

When she gets home from school, she throws her phone across the room and shoves her own face in front of a computer screen for hours. Her headphones block out the outside world and blasts whatever songs her favorite artists have just released, if only to ignore the dinging and buzzing of her phone. 

She feels like she’s going crazy, the thoughts bouncing back and forth around her head. Nicky, Nicky, _Nicky._

They never even dated. 

Rock was infatuated from the very beginning, but Nicky had been playful, teasing Rock’s characteristic blush and inability to talk around pretty girls with even prettier voices. Rock felt like water was poured all over her whenever Nicky was around, her hands jittery and her heart pounding. Nicky would touch her shoulder, bringing her hand down to her forearm, squeezing at the muscle. Rock reveled in all of it. It never felt fair, but she had hope, anyway. 

She shouldn’t have been hopeful, she thinks bitterly, even weeks after it happens. 

It isn’t what hurts her the most, though. What hurts her is Crystal, flaunting her girlfriend, posing with her on Nicky’s _Snapchat_ and _Instagram_ stories, giving each other notes in class, kissing in the halls. 

She wouldn’t say that Crystal and she were best friends or anything of the sort. Her best friend is another girl online, a girl just like her who never asks anything of her, or makes her do anything she wants to do. She reminds her of Jackie, who also isn’t her best friend, but comes closer than Crystal. 

The girl online, Aiden, fuels Rock. She eggs Rock on, telling her that Nicky is in the wrong - that she led Rock on, and that Rock should be angry, and should hate her - and that Rock doesn’t need any of them. Sometimes, that anger bubbles within Rock, and she rants and rants for hours.

Rock isn’t angry, though, when Aiden isn’t around. Her eyes still feel a little too heavy, and her heart races at the sight of Nicky’s username, but the anger doesn’t even simmer. Instead, she lets her tears fall, and she helplessly batters her pillow, wishing things could be different. That _she_ could be different. Those are the nights she wants to text Crystal back, and tell her everything is okay. That Crystal didn’t do anything wrong, that Rock just needed time.

Aiden tells her, at two in the morning, when Rock’s mother is asleep down the hall and Rock’s heart beats softer, that Crystal _knew_. Crystal _knows_ how Rock feels. 

Because Rock is anything if not honest, and has spoken to Crystal about Nicky. About how Nicky smiles - _smiled_ \- at her, with that goofy grin, and laughed at her jokes, and how it all lit something within her, put butterflies in her stomach and up her throat, choked up, made her misplace words and steps. 

Crystal knows a lot about Rock feels about Nicky, but still fucked her after the dance and _told_ Rock (after Rock, admittedly, asked several times for the details of that night). Rock hadn’t gone, opting to stay at home and play video games, not wanting to make a fool of herself in front of Nicky.

She thinks about it often, about if Nicky would have asked her to dance if she went. If she could have brought Nicky home, like Crystal did, if she could be the one in the hallway with her arm around Nicky’s shoulders. 

Crystal catches her eye in the hallway, but Rock refuses to look at her for any longer than a second. 

Aiden calls her something nasty when Rock tells her about it.

* * *

Wednesday afternoons, Jackie and Rock still sit on the hood of Rock’s car, listening to the playlists Rock makes for every emotion she has. They’re on the top of some hill, looking out onto the small town they grew up in. Rock feels like she has way too much growing to do, and time is going too fast for it all. She tries not to think about Nicky.

Jackie tells her to let it go.

Rock thinks Jackie can’t talk, because Jackie never stopped trying when it came to Jan. Listen, she gets it, Jan and Jackie are great together when Jan doesn’t have that sad stick up her ass, but Jackie still chased when Jan let her go. 

_I’m not a hypocrite_ , Jackie would say, _I know what I was doing was wrong, now_. 

A little too late, Rock thinks, shaking her head. 

Suddenly, Jackie turns to her, her eyebrows furrowed. “Turn this off.”

Rock realizes what song is playing, but she doesn’t move. She smirks, shaking her head and looking out onto the small town. 

“Turn it off, Rock,” Jackie tries once more, her voice growing angrier. It’s a little scary, how stern it sounds, but Rock still sits there. 

“No,” Rock rolls her eyes, turning it down a smidge, but not enough. 

Jackie gets up to shut off the radio, but Rock locks the car doors with her key before Jackie can make it in time.

“What is your problem?” 

Rock winces, closing her eyes tightly. “Who cares about a shit song?” Rock asks, and Jackie retorts that she can say the same thing. “I just like it, okay?”

“It’s disgusting.”

“Fuck that. Just ‘cause you and Jan got back together five fucking minutes after you broke up doesn’t mean you can’t listen to stuff like this,” Rock crosses her arms, trying hard to resist the urge to punch the hood of her car.

“What are you talking about?”

“I don’t know!” She throws her hands in the arm, jumping off of her car and pacing around.

She can feel Jackie’s eyes on her, but avoids them for as long as possible. She studies the dirt and kicks rocks around, bawling her fists up and letting them go again and again. 

When she finally looks up, Jackie’s eyes are wide and worried. Her breath catches in her throat, but she hears Aiden’s voice echo through her head - _Jackie doesn’t give a shit about you. Jan is the only thing that matters to her_ \- but Jackie still comes and hangs out with Rock, even when Jan is free on a Wednesday afternoon. 

Her mind goes to Nicky, again, as hard as she tries, but it won't let go of the images of her. She tries and tries, stomping at the ground, grabbing at her hair and face, yet it won't fucking leave.

_Why won't it leave?_

“I think I’m broken.”

Her voice cracks at the end. She closes her eyes as tight as she can, trying to stop the tears from showing, but it’s too late, Jackie already knows what a fuck up she is.

“Rock…” Jackie starts, pushing herself gently off the side of the car. Rock can hear the pity in her voice, and it digs deep, reminds her that everyone is better than her, that everyone is leagues ahead of her. She’s a dumbass. “Hey, come back.”

Rock flicks her head around. She hasn’t moved. 

Jackie reaches her, pulling her in for a hug that’s mostly Jackie and five percent Rock. She rubs Rock’s back, shushing her, but Rock doesn’t know why until she hears her own ragged breaths.

“Do you want help?” Jackie asks. Rock clenches her teeth, swallowing thickly. "There's no shame."

She wants to shake her head and beg for Jackie to forget this, but she knows she’s not okay, not right now. 

She pushes her head against Jackie’s chest, nodding as best as she can into her sweater. 

* * *

When Rock goes home later that night, there’s a notification from Aiden on her _Discord_ , bright red. She opens it up, reading over the link she had sent to some post, and feels sick to her stomach. 

She tells Aiden that night that she’s getting help, because she was too naïve, too easily manipulated by the stupid shit Aiden would tell her. 

The gear at the top left of her screen, telling her that she was two clicks away from blocking Aiden, never leaves her mind. She can’t, though. Aiden isn’t the only one at fault, here. Rock listened to her, she’s not innocent. 

_Aiden  
_ _[11:09 PM]  
_ _Therapy doesn’t do anything_

 _Rock  
_ _[11:09 PM]  
_ _it’s better than nothing_

 _Aiden  
_ _[11:11 PM]  
_ _Did Jackie tell you that_

 _Rock  
_ _[11:13 PM]  
__no. i did._

The screen flickers, showing Aiden typing for minutes, until the notification disappears. Rock reaches towards her keyboard again.

 _Rock  
_ _[11:17 PM]  
_ _i think you should see someone too_

 _Aiden  
_ _[11:17 PM]  
_ _Fuck you_

 _Rock  
_ _[11:18 PM]  
i care about you_

Rock never gets a response back. She tries to type something else, anything to get Aiden to listen to her, but her messages never go through. 

It hurts, for just a moment, but she lets out a sigh that feels like something new. For the first time in a few months, Rock’s computer is turned off before midnight.

It’s late, but her mom is a deep sleeper, so she feels comfortable turning on the shower. The temperature is hot, but as she scrubs, she feels herself shedding her skin. This isn’t the help she needs, but it’s a start. 

When she returns back to her bed, she feels more well rested than she has in a while, without having slept, yet. 

She closes her eyes for a minute, but her body vibrates with _something_. She opens her eyes, and unlocks her phone while she lays on her stomach, turning down her brightness. 

_Rock  
_ _[11:26 PM]  
_ _hey, i’m sorry i’ve been MIA_

She scrolls through her _Instagram_ feed, liking various photos from artists she follows, holding her other hand up to block where the notification would eventually pop up. She doesn’t want to see the response she’s getting back, not yet. 

She hears a quiet ‘ding’, though. It’s late enough for her to pretend she has gone to sleep already, but she knows she can’t avoid this forever. 

_Crystal  
_ _[11:35 PM]  
_ _it’s alright dude, are you okay?_

Good question.

Rock  
_[11:37 PM]  
no but its ok, ill talk to you tomorrow in free period_

Crystal sends a few thumbs up emojis, and Rock goes to bed without a crease in her forehead.

**Author's Note:**

> Aiden is a nihilist and kind of a woman-incel. Blegh. I'm sorry. Poor Rock, at least she realized she was wrong. I hope this was okay. It's heavy, in a weird way.
> 
> The song Rock is listening to is called “DRUGS” by Lil Aaron, I heard it one day on TikTok and it… sucks. It’s so catchy, but the lyrics just fucking suck LOL
> 
> This is hindsight.
> 
> I hope you liked this story.


End file.
